"I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason."
"I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle! . . .
He’s dreaming too."
"Drinks: $40. Dinner: $70. Hotel room $200. The look on his face when she said, “I’m on my period”: Priceless..."
"I should win an oscar for acting like I’m busy at work."
"So I made up a new word: Askhole. A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them."
"I’m not shy. I’m just very good at figuring out who’s worth talking to.. Most of you aren’t."
"Did you ever notice: Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate ?"
"I love texting those people who reply super fast, it makes me feel like they really want to talk to me."