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“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

“A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’”


“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?”


“You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.”


“We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.”


“If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.”


“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”


“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”


“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” 


“Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.”


“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”


“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.”


“Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?”


“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.”



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